I secretly want to be a "This American Life" contributor

Ok so I guess its not a secret anymore.  But if you have a story you'd like to share for npr here is the link.  Let me know if you if i can help. :)
www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4376788281534497722#editor/target=post;postID=8928603705568650546

Home is where your shoes are.

I have moved! I've discovered I have over 50 pairs of shoes. It was a little tricky finding space since my bedroom is almost have the size of my last one.  I hope never have to move a whole house by myself (although I know I can if ever I need to).

  I've spent one very wonderful year living in a cozy little one bedroom house.  My dog and I spent it planting gardens, playing fetch in the front yard and best of all walking around naked!  My neighborhood was not the best from an outsiders perspective.  Yet my neighbors were fantastic! There was a retired veteran who would drop everything he was doing to help me fix my bike and another neighbor who would take my trash out when I hurt my knee before that he'd do it when I've forgotten. I chose this neighborhood so I could do some good in it and it turns out (as it usually does in my experience) that the neighborhood did some good to me. 

I find myself closer to the 'burbs nowadays.  Yet trying really hard not to judge this neighborhood by it's nicely manicured lawns and new homes. Today I pulled into my driveway and my neighbors were dancing merengue in the garage.  Will have to get to know them very soon :)

Moving has been something that I have done frequently.  Unfortunately, at times it has been because I have been running from something and found it right in my face again.  I guess it is true what they say "No matter where you go... There you are. 
However living alone was a wonderful experiment in self-awareness and self-acountability (if that's even a thing) :)

Now I am looking onward taking what I've learned and growing sometimes inch by inch and other times miles at a time.  "Lurching forward" as my professor used to say and really allowing myself to relax into a new home. 

When I went to see the movie premier of "This American Life: The Invisible Made Visible" David Rakoff's act was so beautiful it brought me to tears. I recently found out he passed away.  People like this make me want to create things whether a garden, a art piece or a honest and funny blog.  Thank you David for bringing beauty, honesty and wit.

New discovery

I have found another life goal.  I think I want to be a person with deep and meaningful convictions but with the ability to continually laugh at myself and not take myself too seriously.

So here I am balancing those two things.  This has been sparked my yes again another thing I read or listen to.  the link is below. 
http://www.philvischer.com/the-phil-vischer-podcast/episode-6/ 
This podcast is funny and recommend it to anyone who appreciates what Phil Vischer has done (Veggie Tales, Jelly Telly).

What I appreciate about Phil Vischer is that he is creative and authentically able to communicate gospel truth with wacky and cooky fun that kids like but I like too.  Yet here in this podcast and others I've heard he has convictions and underneath all the fun he has the driving force is love of God.

As a young adult i find myself having many conversations in my head about the type of person I am becoming.  I long to be someone who's driving force is the love of God and isn't driven by fears that anything can shake or remove that. Fear is something that fuels dogma, builds walls, creates "us" and "them" stereotypes.  Fear in my experience has even made me lose that very thing I was afraid of losing.

So I am sick and tired of being afraid.  The plan? Not quite sure but so far is taking once again to finding my way back towards trust.

War and violence destroys both things seen and unseen. Most of the times the unseen destruction never gets rebuilt. That task to rebuilding those things seem daunting. 

I've been following the news about the former president of Guatemala who has finally been indited for crimes against indigenous people of Guatemala.  After 30 years it will finally be said that he is guilty for the pain of thousands of people and partly responsible for perpetrating the hate and prejudice against indigenous of Guatemala.  As I write there is great pain in my heart as I remember the underlying prejudice I saw against people. I lived in Guatemala in the mid to late 90's during which Guatemala had signed peace. After years of civil war.  I did not know that Guatemala was at war is wasn't prevalent.  What was prevalent was the hate and prejudice and the fear and repercussions of such hate.   Hate is a parasite that survives under the surface of the fabric of societies.  Violence, ignorance, hateful words & attitudes are it's food. People calling other people "Indio!" as if it is bad thing to be an indigenous Guatemalan.  Similar to how people spew the word "Gay!" or "Immigrant" in the U.S.  I can't not say that was above such prejudice. I called my cousin an "indio" once. Repeating the word of which it's meaning was really unclear to me.  I was promptly corrected and taught not to say such a word to anyone!

As a third culture kid (child who is born in a culture different than his or her parents) I sometimes struggle with feeling at home.  Home is many places and no place at the same time.  So many days I long to be in Guatemala only to arrive and remember this isn't the home I long for or remember that my home was there then, but now home is somewhere else.  My heart misses something I cannot seem to grasp. It misses it so much more as I recall the pain that Guatemala is in as it is reeling from past hurts and crumbling from current violence because of drug trafficking.

This has been brought to light even more since last weekend "This America Life" produced a story on it.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/465/what-happened-at-dos-erres

Cancion/song

The link above is a song that reminds me of Guatemala, a love of mine.   

Café Tacuba - Como Te Extraño Mi Amor/How I miss you my love

Como te extraño mi amor porque será /
me falta todo en la vida si no estas
Como te extraño mi amor que puedo hacer
te extraño tanto que voy a enloquecer

A veces pienso que tu nunca vendrás
pero te quiero y te tengo que esperar
es el destino me lleva hasta el final
donde algún día mi amor te encontrará

Ay amor divino
pronto tienes que volver

Brother Lawrence

Brother Lawrence, a monk is best known for his ideas of practicing the presence of God.  He wrote about finding God in simple acts, like washing the dishes.  This morning I was woken up by a friend who does my lawn.  I realized I hadn't pick-up my dogs droppings that week so I went out, still groggy and waved to Grady who was just as groggy and got to work.  As I did so, I felt God come.  I was struck by the realization that my life is very good not because anything I have done but because of the community that God has built around me.  In this brother Lawrence moment I was reminded that happiness/joy is pouring out into this world what you want the most.  As of late I have been caught once again in having a list of things to do or obtain to make me happy.  Needless to say I have failed.  In failing I was brought back into the reality that joy and peace are gifts of God to give unto others. 

After cleaning I began my morning routine. Looking into the mirror I found myself looking examining myself not in my usual destructive way but this time there was something I hadn't seen before.  It was beauty.  However, not physical beauty but I can only describe it as God-given beauty this glow of joy. I've never seen before and can only hope to see again.  I think it was a gift from the Holy Spirit to me today as I continue in another phase of my life(birthday).  I am not alone and I am loved. 

Ted Talk

Ted Talk: How to build your creative confidence

I also have found it tragic how people seem to be separated into 2 groups creative and non creative.  Yet our own personalities seem to express even scream the fact that all of humanity is creative.  Enjoy the video!

After my friends come over I sometimes find something like this at my house.  I am grateful for friends that help me not take myself so seriously. 

Omelette

My first attempt to an omelette. I now know it needs to be on medium heat the whole time. I was afraid to burn it so I lowered the heat. That want working. :) breakfast is served

Handsome man

Garage sale finds

Something i'll miss about summer garage sales.

Confession time

I've been feeling overwhelmed and stress which leads me to be sad.  So I turn to what I know. And I find this quote:
"Life becomes an unbearable burden whenever we lose touch with the presence of a loving Savior and see only hunger to be alleviated, injustice to be addressed, violence to be overcome, wars to be stopped, and loneliness to be removed. All these are critical issues, as Christians must try to solve them; however when put coven no longer flows from put personal encounter with the living Christ, we feel the oppressive weight."
-Henri Nowen

Now to allow this lesson into reality.

Arco iris

Arco iris means rainbow in spanish.  That's the word I've taught my niece recently.  I bought her a book in spanish that talks about the colors in the rainbow.  On Sunday I was at her house relaxing on the couch. She comes up to me with 4 different books and asks me to read them. Something she rarely does. I usually am the initiator
 She cuddles up next to me and points to the pictures when I ask her questions like "Do you see the color blue?"
These days in life are full of solitude (note: solitude and not loneliness), I've learned a lot about myself in quiet times. I like quiet times, more than I ever have in the past. In fact I used to be afraid of being alone. Learning how to be in solitude has I think helped me be more present even when I'm with people
As I sat with my niece it brought me joy that she chose me to sit next to me and share a moment together.  She is growing up so fast.

Mani/pedi

I'm writing this from my phone b/c I'm currently getting a pedicure. Since I didn't bring a book to read and I haven't written anything in a while might as well catch thing up while soaking my toesies :) I feel really vain doing it but I finally broke down. I deserve it after the month I've had.

Starting the 2nd week we had almost 200 kids come to church for vacation bible school. Kids learned about god's radical love. I ran with a couple of 6th graders the craft segment. So much fun.

Then that saturday I ran 13.1 miles in a See Jane run race. Never ran that far in my life. Now I can say I have. :) Woo hoo!

The next day I preached for the first time at college church. Another new experience!

Then lead a retreat with 16 5th and 6th graders. That weekend the wonderful and beautiful wedding of a friend.

Then the week that was supposed to be a break. I worked half day and the other half I took care of my nephew while he adjusted to daycare.

Then I was in a wedding of 2 very good friends. What a fun wedding!

And finally last week I spent it at girls camp with 182 girls. My title: Speaker. I spoke at chapel times hung out with girls in between canoeing, swiming and hanging fun.

All this might sound like a list of crazy busy to do's. During some of it, it did feel like obligations. Somewhere in the middle of it I came to the realization that THIS IS LIFE. New experiences, time spent with a handsome nephew, weddings and the whirlwind of life. There are so many breathes, lessons, laughs and tears that put all-together is life.

Life's is complete.

coming soon

as soon as I get a better handle on life with new job, school, new relationship I'll be writing about Easter.  I have lots of thoughts still percolating in my brain. But just to entice you here is a picture of what may be coming soon...

Update

So since I last wrote there has been multiple times when I've thought I should sit down and write on my blog but because of time contraints I couldn't but here is an update of going ons and I hope to write more in depth on certain experiences.  For now here is a list in no particular order:

1. Holy Week and Easter was wonderful!  Egg Scramble, I baptized 10 beautiful preteens, then had a great dinner with friends. God definitely is alive in my life in quiet but meaningful ways. I am not worthy of his love but I'm so utterly grateful.
2. I'm officially  a children's pastor now. 
3. I got to visit Kayla  and Lawrence (friends from college) and it was wonderful to get away and celebrate life with them!
4. It's spring and I'm so very grateful that things don't stay dark and dead around here!
5. I've found a bride's maid dress and am looking forward my friends' wedding!!
6. Although life has been hard and full of even more new things to get used to and understand life is still good.
7. I'm learning more things about friendships and what that means for me as an adult
8. I'm looking for a new place to live
9. Saw my friend graduate today and I'm so very proud of Anne!
10. I planted lettuce and they just sprouted.

I could think lots more but I think 10 is a nice number to finish with. Most of the above mentioned things are continually teaching me to continue to take everything step by step and with lots of prayer. 

NAMASTE

a faith story

NOTE: I preached the past Sunday here is what I said:

I vividly remember when I was perhaps eight or nine years old   following my mother around the house

             as she busily de-cluttering every room. 

I loved it when she did this because she would uncover so many little treasures

                                                                                                            that I had forgotten about.

I would be right behind her finding old toys that had been pushed under beds,

buried under other things

or hidden and forgotten.

  I’d play with them for a while until they’d get lost once again,

or my mom would take it as soon as I got distracted with another toy

That particular day I had discovered something more than a toy.

 I had discovered a very small orange book. 

This book you all have seen,

some of you have given them out many times. 

This little orange book I had decided that night I would read.

So I opened it and discovered many different words and stories.

Names I recognized but it had been a long time since I had heard them.   

In the fourth chapter of the gospel of Matthew

I found a story that would be for me another step closer

on the journey with Christ that I am on. 

and tonight we find ourselves in same story.

The chalky barren soil that once only covered his feet now covered his whole body.  

It was in his eyes, his mouth, his  hair

There he was led by the Spirit

It seemed a long time since he had heard his Father’s voice say

“This is my Son with whom I am well pleased”

As he sat in the desert,

weak and surrounded by the desolate ground and stones

he felt  every hunger pain

It was then that he was visited by the tempter who used those same rocks

to suggest to Jesus that that he should use his equality with God to

 summon food for himself. 

If you are the Son of God satisfy your hunger by making these stones turning into bread.

Although weak from hunger Jesus uses words that were taught to him as a young Jewish boy

“People do not live on bread alone but on every word that comes out of the mouth of God.”

As we follow the story found in the fourth chapter of Matthew

                        we hear echoes of other stories in our tradition;

stories of our collective past as God’s people. 

Jesus’ response to the tempter takes us to the story of Israelites in the wilderness.  

In this story God sustains the people with his  very promise;

the promise:

 Food for today

and God kept his promise with manna and quail.

In Deuteronomy 8:3 God reminds the Israelites about this story;

And tells them they are to learn humility and sole dependence on God.

This first temptation also reflects another story much earlier

 in fact the first story we hear in Genesis. 

The story of Eve and Adam enticed by fruit

and betrayed by the tempter’s lies of power and equality with God. 

We find that Jesus being the 2^nd Adam chooses dependence with his response

Again the tempter tests Jesus

taking him to the highest point of the Holy city of Jerusalem

and  telling him to jump. 

Scripture says “You will be taken care of, and all will know you are the Son of God. 

Once again Jesus utters words memorized from his youth. 

He uses the portion following the Shema

Jesus responds “Do not put your God to the test”

Jesus will ultimately come to Jerusalem some day

but it will not be on accusers terms and

he will not come with guns a blazing

but riding on a humble donkey. 

Once again Jesus response is

dependence

Jesus understood the Shema which says;

“Hear Oh Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one.

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (Deuteronomy 6:4-5)

The last desperate attempt the adversary uses to lure Christ

Is similar to the second one

                        but this time he promises  not only that he can gain Israel

                                                                but also the whole world

if only he depends on the other.   

Once more we are taken back to the Torah in the book of Deuteronomy

same chapter as the Shema

“Fear the LORD your God and serve him only and take your oaths in his name.” (Deuteronomy 6:13)

For the third time Jesus chooses dependence

Jesus refuses to gain the whole world for the price of his soul. 

He refuses to enslave us by trickery or miraculous works

but instead calls the world to love him

for ultimately he is love perfected. 

I wondered what caused my little eight year old brain and heart to love this story of Jesus so much.

 I now know it was because in my reading I understood

Jesus was someone like me

 Some one who relates to me and my suffering,

Some one who was vulnerable to attacks

Who has heard the voice of the accuser spew lies

For me those lies are that I am too young

That I’m not good enough

That I don’t have enough experience

That I am not worthy of love

Christ had enabled me to  response:

It is not me but Christ who lives in me.

            For I can do all things though Christ

            And I am not alone

but stand the shoulders of faithful servants who for many many years have chosen Christ

and I follow their example.

What I have found in Christ is that he has renewed my heritage

and in my sometimes weak state it is the Holy Spirit who silences that voice of the accuser

and allows me to stand with Christ in freedom.

Just as with the stones in Jesus’ temptation narrative

The voice of the accuser uses our situation to question our dependence.

You may hear a voice that says

“What of your children,

Your brother, your sister,

your loved ones?

What have you done wrong?

            Why has your faith not saved them?”

Our dependence in Christ responds

“For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only Son not to condemn the world but to save the world through him”

            God’s love is not dependent on our response to him

Our loved ones are deeply and truly loved by God!

We choose to depend on God

            And pray and love all people

                        With the assurance that God’s love is with those who have not yet responded or have forgotten to respond to God.

We may also hear from the adversary:

“You are alone”

            “You are sick and no one can heal you”

                                    “The pain you feel now will be forever”

For lament, loneliness, pain and suffering there are no pat answers

We have the right to reside in anguish

But we also have the freedom knowing that we do not remain in anguish

                        We are simply waiting,

waiting on God and freedom in Christ and his resurrection.

That we may join in the story of Mary Magdelene at the empty tomb

            Where we can shout with her “RABBI”

                        And embrace our Savior here and now.

Author Steve Frost writes

“New life grows out of the soil of an honest engagement with our own pain”

There is no denying that pain, sorrow and suffering can exsist inour lives

But we find that new life is perfected in Christ.       

For by enduring suffering he empathizes

By resisting temptation he begins the process of the redemption of humanity,

empowering us to live fully.

Rejecting the accusers voice and become Kingdom builders.  

We find in Jesus the way to truly worship God with our hearts, minds and soul.

During this Lenten season my prayer is that we may we follow Christ and may our response be

dependence.

new life

I'm reading a book titled "Psalmist Cry" its and interview with Walter Brueggemann with commentary by Steve Frost. The thought that captured me tonight was the following:
"New life grows out of the soil of an honest engagement with our own deep pain."
I'm going have to let that sink into my heart and soul until it eventually comes out through my thoughts and actions.

I'm glad other people can say it better

I was perusing "The Poetry of Pablo Neruda" and came across one that I felt expressed how I sometimes feel. So I share with you (especially to you Alli)

We are Many

Of the many men who I am, who we are,
I can't find a single one;
they disappear among my clothes
they've left for another city

When everything seems to be set
to show me off as intelligent
the fool I always keep hidden
takes over all that I say.

At other times, I'm asleep
among distinguished people,
and when I look for my brave self,
a coward unknown to me
rushes to cover my skeleton
with a thousand fine excuses

When a decent house catches fire,
instead of the fireman I summon,
an arsonist bursts on the scene,
and that's me. What can I do?
What can I do to distinguish myself?
How can I pull myself together?
All the books I read
are full of dazzling heroes,
always sure of themselves.
I die with envy for them;
and in films full of wind and bullets,
I goggle at the cowboys,
I even admire the horses.

But when I call for a hero,
out comes my lazy old self;
so I never know who I am,
nor how many I am or will be.
I'd love to be able to touch a bell
and summon the real me,
because if I really need myself,
I mustn't disappear.

While I am writing, I'm far away;
and when I come back, I've gone.
I would like to know if others
go through the same things that I do,
have as many selves as I have,
and see themselves similarly;
and when I've exhausted this problem,
I'm going to study so hard
that when I explan myself,
I'll be taking geography

(Thanks Neruda for saying better than I would)