I secretly want to be a "This American Life" contributor

Ok so I guess its not a secret anymore.  But if you have a story you'd like to share for npr here is the link.  Let me know if you if i can help. :)
www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4376788281534497722#editor/target=post;postID=8928603705568650546

Home is where your shoes are.

I have moved! I've discovered I have over 50 pairs of shoes. It was a little tricky finding space since my bedroom is almost have the size of my last one.  I hope never have to move a whole house by myself (although I know I can if ever I need to).

  I've spent one very wonderful year living in a cozy little one bedroom house.  My dog and I spent it planting gardens, playing fetch in the front yard and best of all walking around naked!  My neighborhood was not the best from an outsiders perspective.  Yet my neighbors were fantastic! There was a retired veteran who would drop everything he was doing to help me fix my bike and another neighbor who would take my trash out when I hurt my knee before that he'd do it when I've forgotten. I chose this neighborhood so I could do some good in it and it turns out (as it usually does in my experience) that the neighborhood did some good to me. 

I find myself closer to the 'burbs nowadays.  Yet trying really hard not to judge this neighborhood by it's nicely manicured lawns and new homes. Today I pulled into my driveway and my neighbors were dancing merengue in the garage.  Will have to get to know them very soon :)

Moving has been something that I have done frequently.  Unfortunately, at times it has been because I have been running from something and found it right in my face again.  I guess it is true what they say "No matter where you go... There you are. 
However living alone was a wonderful experiment in self-awareness and self-acountability (if that's even a thing) :)

Now I am looking onward taking what I've learned and growing sometimes inch by inch and other times miles at a time.  "Lurching forward" as my professor used to say and really allowing myself to relax into a new home. 

When I went to see the movie premier of "This American Life: The Invisible Made Visible" David Rakoff's act was so beautiful it brought me to tears. I recently found out he passed away.  People like this make me want to create things whether a garden, a art piece or a honest and funny blog.  Thank you David for bringing beauty, honesty and wit.

New discovery

I have found another life goal.  I think I want to be a person with deep and meaningful convictions but with the ability to continually laugh at myself and not take myself too seriously.

So here I am balancing those two things.  This has been sparked my yes again another thing I read or listen to.  the link is below. 
http://www.philvischer.com/the-phil-vischer-podcast/episode-6/ 
This podcast is funny and recommend it to anyone who appreciates what Phil Vischer has done (Veggie Tales, Jelly Telly).

What I appreciate about Phil Vischer is that he is creative and authentically able to communicate gospel truth with wacky and cooky fun that kids like but I like too.  Yet here in this podcast and others I've heard he has convictions and underneath all the fun he has the driving force is love of God.

As a young adult i find myself having many conversations in my head about the type of person I am becoming.  I long to be someone who's driving force is the love of God and isn't driven by fears that anything can shake or remove that. Fear is something that fuels dogma, builds walls, creates "us" and "them" stereotypes.  Fear in my experience has even made me lose that very thing I was afraid of losing.

So I am sick and tired of being afraid.  The plan? Not quite sure but so far is taking once again to finding my way back towards trust.

War and violence destroys both things seen and unseen. Most of the times the unseen destruction never gets rebuilt. That task to rebuilding those things seem daunting. 

I've been following the news about the former president of Guatemala who has finally been indited for crimes against indigenous people of Guatemala.  After 30 years it will finally be said that he is guilty for the pain of thousands of people and partly responsible for perpetrating the hate and prejudice against indigenous of Guatemala.  As I write there is great pain in my heart as I remember the underlying prejudice I saw against people. I lived in Guatemala in the mid to late 90's during which Guatemala had signed peace. After years of civil war.  I did not know that Guatemala was at war is wasn't prevalent.  What was prevalent was the hate and prejudice and the fear and repercussions of such hate.   Hate is a parasite that survives under the surface of the fabric of societies.  Violence, ignorance, hateful words & attitudes are it's food. People calling other people "Indio!" as if it is bad thing to be an indigenous Guatemalan.  Similar to how people spew the word "Gay!" or "Immigrant" in the U.S.  I can't not say that was above such prejudice. I called my cousin an "indio" once. Repeating the word of which it's meaning was really unclear to me.  I was promptly corrected and taught not to say such a word to anyone!

As a third culture kid (child who is born in a culture different than his or her parents) I sometimes struggle with feeling at home.  Home is many places and no place at the same time.  So many days I long to be in Guatemala only to arrive and remember this isn't the home I long for or remember that my home was there then, but now home is somewhere else.  My heart misses something I cannot seem to grasp. It misses it so much more as I recall the pain that Guatemala is in as it is reeling from past hurts and crumbling from current violence because of drug trafficking.

This has been brought to light even more since last weekend "This America Life" produced a story on it.

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/465/what-happened-at-dos-erres

Cancion/song

The link above is a song that reminds me of Guatemala, a love of mine.   

Café Tacuba - Como Te Extraño Mi Amor/How I miss you my love

Como te extraño mi amor porque será /
me falta todo en la vida si no estas
Como te extraño mi amor que puedo hacer
te extraño tanto que voy a enloquecer

A veces pienso que tu nunca vendrás
pero te quiero y te tengo que esperar
es el destino me lleva hasta el final
donde algún día mi amor te encontrará

Ay amor divino
pronto tienes que volver

Brother Lawrence

Brother Lawrence, a monk is best known for his ideas of practicing the presence of God.  He wrote about finding God in simple acts, like washing the dishes.  This morning I was woken up by a friend who does my lawn.  I realized I hadn't pick-up my dogs droppings that week so I went out, still groggy and waved to Grady who was just as groggy and got to work.  As I did so, I felt God come.  I was struck by the realization that my life is very good not because anything I have done but because of the community that God has built around me.  In this brother Lawrence moment I was reminded that happiness/joy is pouring out into this world what you want the most.  As of late I have been caught once again in having a list of things to do or obtain to make me happy.  Needless to say I have failed.  In failing I was brought back into the reality that joy and peace are gifts of God to give unto others. 

After cleaning I began my morning routine. Looking into the mirror I found myself looking examining myself not in my usual destructive way but this time there was something I hadn't seen before.  It was beauty.  However, not physical beauty but I can only describe it as God-given beauty this glow of joy. I've never seen before and can only hope to see again.  I think it was a gift from the Holy Spirit to me today as I continue in another phase of my life(birthday).  I am not alone and I am loved.